Thursday, January 1, 2009

I C U

Now this is really some deep thinking...while waiting for the New Year to roll around and in between text'ing all my friends to say HNY...hubby and I watched 'The Bucket List'. Somewhere between eight years ago and today I could not watch a movie like that. Why? Well, because like when they tell the two characters they do not have time to live reminds me of the daughter's (Anelisa) cardiologist telling me she might have a year...and when they take Morgan Freeman on the gurney through the operating room doors and you know he ain't coming back...

I am going to share now...Why? Because a new blog friend to whom I adore, Beth has been bothered recently about the loss of her mother...I can tell she is deeply affected by her absence, and can only imagine (we try) what one is experiencing...

At 9:20 AM on July 13th, 2000...Ane, me, and her father were waiting in a room for the doctors to come and wheel her into the operating room. She had been given some meds to help her become drowsy and she asked me to climb onto the gurney with her, so I did. We were being playful, and laughing like I was with my kids growing up. Anelisa had no idea that what was really about to happen. Mom did know.

Doctors for fourteen years had prodded and poked at her poor little petite body, and like most, she did not like going to the doctors at all. This was no different. I had known for almost seven months that she would be wheeled into that room, and never return home to me. So, as they came to get her I rode on the gurney, through the doors, and finally kissed her good bye. She pleaded with Dr. Mahoney to let me come in there with her, but she said no.

The surgery went okay...like the past four operations they added an artificial shunt to her aorta that was routed to her lungs. See she was born with no Pulmonary Arteries that go into and out from the lungs. They used to call them blue babies...and I was one as well. I had a hole in the heart, a murmur, which closed on its own eventually...although I still have an extra few beats they say are not normal. The shunts they put into Ane the last two to five beginning years; they clog and then you have to replace them. The body fights off foreign objects that we replace.

She could not have a transplant because they would have to have a heart and lungs. They still do not do this today. Medicine has come a long way, but not far enough. I had to except what was meant to be.

Anelisa stayed in the hospital and they said this would be it...her body had matured to a woman's status, and the doctors did not know if the heart could with stand the blood flow they added. At 1:50 AM in the morning the phone rang at 6306 Brook Lane, Dallas, Texas, and I answered. My heart was beating a thousand beats a minute. I knew what and who it was already...

I am not writing this for sympathy. I believe what I went through...what I am going through is an experience that builds character...sure it is hard as hell to experience loss like that...my parents both died a few years later...my hubby lost his father and step-father to cancer a year after that...I am scared to hell that if something would happen to my son or hubby I might be on a gurney myself shortly after...so I am writing this to say I Care... I still cry when I watch movies, but now my heart aches for those out there who have experienced loss and I wish I could give them all a big hug!

4 comments:

Jeanne said...

That is such a terrible thing, and you are such a strong woman, both for surviving it, and for being willing to share it.

Thank you for being you, and for caring enough about Beth to tell this.

Photonuts said...

I am sending some 'luv' your way sis...I still miss Mom, and daddy is hanging in there!

Debra said...

What a moving post. Thanks so much for sharing.

Beth said...

oh E....this is SOOO much worse than losing a parent. To lose a CHILD is devastating and something you never get over. I am so so sorry. I'm stagnant in my own grief and other people ahve grief too.

What a beautiful story...getting on the gurney! I would ahve done the very same thing!

hugs to you my friend..