Wednesday, December 31, 2008 that I think about it...

I was over at Jeanne's blog, Raisin Chronicles and read her funny story of an old acquaintance wanting closure (funny how men remember things differently than women!).

This got me thinking...a few months ago I discovered (yeah it took me a while didn't it) that I could do a search for my first boyfriend, Leslie Joseph Macsas. A beautiful tall dark haired Lebanese boy who stole my heart and virginity at the age of almost eighteen.

We started dating at fourteen, he was sixteen... He lived across diagonal from my house and the neighborhood used to play soccer in the street, and every now and then he would come out and kind of take over the game (his younger brother hung out with us). So one day, shy little me shot the finger at him *shock*. Well, lets just say he took me up on the offer (yes someone had a crush) and the finger part did not take place for another four years.

He was a virgin, I was a virgin, and what do two virgins know about moving fast... Plus, like Jeanne, my mother drilled the idea in my head I would get pregnant, and years later it did turn out I was fertile myrtle.

Okay the story is he decided that I had married another guy when he went off to the Navy, and my heart strayed, so he decided to take off with a girl he knew from high school. Today they are still married, and I have wondered if he thinks about was telling my sister that I had found out he only lived a few miles from where I lived with my childrens father. I had seen his sister and brother many times and asked them to have him call me during those years, but I figured they felt it was not a good thing, since he had gotten married and maybe had a brood by then.

My sister called his house and his wife answered...because I was too chicken and she will do anything...sorry Mary...but she told the girl that she used to date his brother Steve (true) and wanted to see how they all were. The wife asked her if she wanted to talk with Leslie or Steve, she was confused, and from the sound of it rather pissed off that an old girlfriend would call to begin with. They hung up after sis gave her a phone number, and once again there is no phone call.

Reality is...he is probably bald and fat like his father...still smokes (which I do not care for)...and I saw the neighborhood he lived in...I have a much nicer situation with the man I am in love with today...and the sex was not that good!

So to Leslie...I found closure...and you lost out on the best thing that was worth waiting for...I did get divorced only a few years later.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I am out of the closet...again!

One day I am going to buy myself a Harley and fit into leather outfit and ride like an asphalt cowgirl! I used to ride when I was fourteen, and always wanted to have sex on one! There I said it...

I was hiding this blog after realizing my son's aunt would read it and know more than I was sure I wanted her to, but then after the encouragement of esk (aka: Sage) I decided we all have skeletons in the closet. Mine just rattle more than others do, LOL

I am excited to also announce I have hired an editor and am putting my first novella on the table. I also started, yes Jeanne, another blog that will feature my own works and bits of the stories I have started. Tell me what you think...does it draw you in. 'Taking Cover' is semi-autobiographical, but I visualize the singer Rob Thomas (singer) as the main character, with a bit of Sam Elliot's (actor) guts and glory in westerns, and both as a modern day asphalt cowboy to whom I would love to grow up and be my own son, Aaron.

Well, I have tuna and mackerel on ice I have to tend have to go to 'Behind The Wheel Chef' to see that come together...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I feel like plundering some young man's booty...

Have you seen the news lately? The headlines are cracking me up...but I am an Irish Pirate...

The Indian Navy apprehends pirates in the Gulf of Aden Saturday after the pirates allegedly threatened a civilian ship.

Last night we went dancing at 'Novaks' off Manchester in St Louis...Once a gay-girls bar, now a mecca for all types...great happy hour drinks, and down the street from the apartment...and this old feeling chef got her groove on...I could feel muscles stretching I had forgotten about...and we are going back tonight...I might be the next go-go dancers...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

These boots were made for walking...

...da da da da da...and I'm goanna walk all over you...da da da da da...

Remember that song...well...I went to the grocery store and as I stepped around the car...what other than a pair of perfectly good 'high' heel boots were laying like someone had just stepped right out of is freakin twenty something degrees in this town and somebody is running around with out there shoes...or would it be someones meal imagination is going here goes...

These Shoes Were Made For Walking

One cold December night a lady of the evening was traveling south on Grand, but the shoes she choose to wear tonight...her sleek black zip up boots that made her out fit hotter than a pepper sprout (okay Johnny Cash)...they were just not cutting the mustard...her toes were all cramped up, and started to feel the bite of the cold pavement she had walked for the past five hours with no business in sight...well, Lady (will call her) decided to put on the fluffy house shoes with the small heels that were lined with cheap fluffy fleece she had picked up at the local 'John's while his wife was not home' closet...she could not resist the cute dalmation design across the top...who gives a hoot she thought..."they ain't looking down there anyway" she said to herself. Placing the soft worn pleather boots into her plastic Shoppers Paradise sack, she went on her way and headed up towards the wealthier side of town with the Basil Thai restaurant. There was a great alley that she could step into to cut down the wind chill on her worn panty hose covered legs.

As she traveled the last few blocks towards Conneticut street, she never realized that her load had lightened when she cut across the local Shopeprs Paradise lot the boots bit the dust. She did not know about the cracked heel that helped put a hole in that bag. Not at least until she was already miles from where she had started. "Damn girl", she said to her friend that was waiting in the alley...Lady continued "I love them shoes, and so did many of my clients". Lady remembered how she had borrowed them from her sister, and how her sister had passed away last summer. Those boots helped her remember how kind her sister was. Sister had not kicked her out for good when she caught her stealing, or I mean borrowing from her when she had cash flow problems.

Lady did not realize that these beloved boots lay in a parking lot only a few blocks from where she was...but not for long...Crazy Legs (his street name) was a local vagrant that everybody knew and would help out now and then. He lived around back of Shoppers Paradise in the dumpster; when he was not staying at a friends now and then. He like living out in the wilds of the city. The challenges of earning a better living from donations motivated him to be on his best behavior to all he meets. The only thing that really is a problem for him are his legs and feet. Crazy Legs has very wobbly legs and feet that go back and forth so he looks like he is just plum crazy. He has gone to many doctors and they all say the same thing that it is in his head. Nothing is wrong with his legs or feet. Crazy has tried walkers, crutches, canes, and you name it to keep his stride on the straight and narrow...but tonight his luck was about to change.

The dumpster out back of Shoppers Paradise was always full of cardboard, and broken down boxes, so he knew no matter what time he decided to hit the hay, he could count on 'Old Green'. Since they decided to add recycling bins along side trash dumpsters his life has been so much easier, and showering is not as much of an issue these days. Tonight he would stay out later and see if he could make a few extra bucks to buy himself some new shoes and maybe a little left over to buy his friends some extra half pints for the holidays. One problem is...he had a fetish for women's shoes. He already had a hard enough time explaining this to the thrift store workers to whom were his friends. He would explain that he had a girlfriend he would see every now and then. They still did not understand why he would buy size elevens...what kind of amazon woman was Crazy Legs going out with?

As Crazy Legs wobbled his way around the store and across the parking lot he saw a mirage...could it be...a pair of perfectly good black shiney he began to run as fast as a wobbler could...he had to get there before some crazy patron ran over him and that beautiful sight! He fell to the ground and scooped them up...kissing them and thanking the shoe fairy out there he would not have to embarrass himself down at the thrift. He decided that he would wobble back to the dumpster and sit up his milk crate and try them on. He slowly unzipped them...inch by inch putting them on, and they fit. "I would like to meet the person who threw these babies out" he thought to himself. He decided to stand up and see if he could such high heels. Never in his life had he felt so graceful as he start moving one foot in front of the was a miracle!

Crazy Legs was walking perfectly straight forward, no wobble of the legs, no wobble of the feet...he even felt he could just wear these everywhere, and suddenly did not care that his friends would laugh at the sight of him in these black beauties. No, he decided it was time to let the world know of his fetish, and began to walk around the front of Shoppers he stepped off the curb...*snap* one of the heels broke right off; then he feel face first into a passing car. At once the car stopped, and out of the passenger side stepped 'Lady' of the evening. She bent down to help Crazy Legs up and saw his poor bleeding nose, and announced he needed to come home with her, and she would help clean him up. Never noticing the black boots he was wearing, or the broken heel in his hand, she just helped him into her friends car and off they went...

Lady and Crazy still to this day laugh about the whole story, and about how they fell in love. So much that she takes him shopping for shoes...hey who doesn't like sharing clothes and shoes with friends. Now and then they stop by Shoppers Paradise to check in on his buddy that now uses his old cardboard recycling bin to sleep, to make sure he hasn't found a wonderful surprise waiting in the parking lot...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Sick & Sucks

Man have I been looking forward to seeing my son in St Louis. The first few days went well, but I noticed he sounded horrible with a deep cough like broncitis. So, I lectured him about drinking more water, taking cold meds, and staying in bed when he was not working. He started a new job, so could not take off...and he wants to be responsible so he can keep his own apartment...not move back home. I do not blame him, I was the same way and never went back either...

But...I am sick of staying indoors (his small apartment)I guess when we imagine these things they seem far more exciting than it turns is 21 degrees outside and I have asthma, so I cannot walk far, or it triggers a whole lot of shit! Not sure, but I just had to say something...told my hubby I wanted to rent a car and drive down to Texas and see old friends, and see him. He is there for a conference for the whole week, and it would only take me eight hours to drive straight through. But...rental cars are so freaking expensive and I cannot take my sons (my car really) and leave him car-less and sick. So guilt prevents me from being frivilous...

What am I doing? TV, computer blog reading, internet surfing, cause I already cleaned his apartment. No cooking good fun food because he does not feel like eating. Just bacon swiss grill cheese, and water. Oh, and listening to his neighbor downstairs sing loudly and play electric guitar off and on during the day...I may come home hairless...

What happen to seeing friends while I am here...well one came over the other night and then said she had lots to do this week, maybe the weekend...the other one called yesterday and said "oh I have company coming, so I have to clean house" and said maybe we could get together Tuesday afternoon and visit, but MY SON WORKS A DOUBLE! I just screamed because that friend does not have a car or drive, he takes a bus. He is an old gay friend from my chef days here.

Like I said 'Sick & Sucks'...hopefully Aaron will feel better by Wednesday or at least the weekend, so I can get out of the house. I am sorry that I am bitching, but I feel like crying, because I am disappointed in people (not my son, he cannot help it)...besides if I can survive losing a child I should be able to handle lonliness!

UPDATE: Okay...I decide to go in the truck and hit the grocery to buy a few things I forgot a few days ago...I slipped on a pile of leaves on the curb and went I have a bag of frozen peas sitting on my knee...Okay, I will never complain again...I should have just been content in his big cushy chair watching TV!

Friday, December 5, 2008

A New Me- St Louis #1

Watching your children grow up is one of the hardest things to do, but I feel my best accomplishments so far in life. Like a well written story of sorts. Filled with love, growing pain, romance, fun, laughter, done right silly'ness, and most of all a lesson in unconditional love for all parties. One of the most important things we go through together with our own parents and our own children is the reality that includes they look and act just like us no matter what you tried to do to stear them in a different direction. Seems like they have the good and bad!

One big reason for this trip was to get myself on the right track. Forcing myself to walk while my son is at work. Not have the usual distractions, and put priorities in place. I have looked in the mirror recently and seen my own mother and father. The belly and middle age aches and pains. Too many things to go into, but not a positive childhood. I read today about another bloggers karma reality coming down, and feel we have to purge and make things right when we see those signs.

For once I was smart enough to notice a book store in the NJ airport and remembered 'Twilight'. This is the book from the movie that just came out. I saw it last weekend without reading any reviews, for which I never do, so I can have my own opinion. (another blog on book and movie)

I got almost half way through the book when I landed, and will save the rest for the trip home. Why? Well because I walked into my son's apartment and found a real bonified bachelor pad. Yikes, no food in the fridge, a few cans of 'Blue Ribbon' beer (all he can afford I guess), and empties all over the place, along with dust, hardly any towels, and dirty laundry up to the least he has a bed for me. Well, I was disappointed since he was little he always kept a neat and organized space...suppose he got used to the girlfriend for three years busting his chops to be perfect that he has gone hog wild and let it all go.

This is where the 'He is just like me' comes in. I remember the working 24/7 to pay rent, no time to properly clean, college, and food on the go. When he got home from work I just looked at him and saw that he has gained some weight, and had a beard, and was happy to see me. He looked just like my dad, with hair on his chest, that corny Akin smile, jokes and laughter...but most of all he grabbed me and hugged me so tight and said 'I love you, Mom'.

He also had taken out his little christmas tree from when he and ex bought two years ago, and I guess he did not put one up when he came home last. Awwwwwweee, more work for me huh? LOL...We went out and he did his laundry, we shopped for food, and I was pround, no junk food in the basket (the beer is his junk now I suppose). We walked a few blocks and went to play darts, rented a movie 'Wanted' (which I love that McAvoy), and talked about his college plans and his current jobs and friends.

So far, I am glad that I came to spend this time with him. I did not want to wake up in years and not know what he was really like living away from me after 21. I was fearful that he was way into the drinking, but he has admitted he is over that, and moving on. Girls are out for now, because he said he realizes he has to get his act together to attract on he really would want to spend the rest of his life with.

A big fat sigh..............................

Wednesday, December 3, 2008



Inner arms
Lower back
Shoulders to the ankles

Defining dreams----- scenes
Urban remarks and fantasy

Ink running lines
Symbols and rhymes
Dance ...upon ...the ...flesh

Movements ...that deceive ...believe ...could be
Ragged or smooth------ satisfies a need
All in what you read

Pain and blood
Turning color, shapes into Peace and love

Harmony, lovers and enemies
Flowers, moon, sun, and stars
Seem to shine
Calendars, births, deaths, of all kinds

Doctorates, universities, and trinity
Stopping short of infinity

Pink, purple, red, blue, green, yellow, and black
Once’s ...done ...cannot ...take ...back!

- E Stelling, 2008 © All rights reserved by Author

After my daughter died I spent a month in Florida Keys with my son and I let him get his ears pierced, seriously pierced, and I got hubby always said 'get your next boyfriends name, if you do it', but he loves looking at it as much as I enjoy showing it off!

Monday, December 1, 2008

100% Irish Dish to say the least

Am I bad? Two post in one day, and this is not a great picture of my son, just does not capture his f'ing bad ass looks (from me of course...only his dance floor moves...but this proud mom couldn't help herself! I saw his former 'girl' friend posted it on here site. They went out dancing, as you can see...if a song was playing right now it would be...

...Come on play that funky music white boy...

I am happy that they have maintained a friendship after three and a half years of sex, puppy love, and yelling at all hours of the night at each other...she is Italian...him, bad Irish temper; that we will give credit to the father *snicker*...

I will be blogging on 'The Behind The Wheel Chef' blog when I am there...unless some 'behind the scene' action I cannot share with the food followers takes place...then you can count on the dirt here! We are going out to 'the' bars to party with my old MO friends!

*more dance music playing*...swing it in the air like you just don't care...

Morning is gone...

I just looked at the clock and it is already 2:34 PM, where did my morning go? I decided that since a client canceled our appointment I was going to dedicate myself to reading blogs of my followers. To catch up on their past writings, and I am glad I did.

Lainie blogs about tea (, but I noticed she has many interesting other indulgences as well. Beth, Magpie, and all you others are wonderful. I have found it hard to make quality friends here in the NE, and cherish the warmth I receive from the blogs, and responses on my own silly'ness rambling.

After a long conversation with my new friend Gen here in NJ, we have committed to help each other beyond our realm of 'positive energy' quest we already do each week and find a way to be accountable to eating an even more healthy diet when we go out together. She agreed to read some of the blogs I forward to her (she does not read as much as she would like), because I found some though provoking writing that would give us more opportunity to express our views 'be transparent' as Lainie writes, and to practice my own popular expression 'The Art of Conversation'...with out provocation.

I have more to sort through, and the PJ's are staying on through dinner!