What's More Dangerous?

A bull in a china closet, or...

My husband emailing me a photo of him shopping for a hat in NYC, or,

A wife holding back her desires, and comments?

My personal opinion...the fashion police should have their own 911 number on every person's speed dial.

There is no real danger here, I just had no idea he was even looking for a hat.

I learned in the beginning of our relationship he had his own agenda...for style, so I never have been pushy about such things. At least he has a style, and one I can live with. But he has never been one for adornments, bling as it is called today. My key to a successful relationship, pick your arguments, this one is totally low on my list of happiness.

I wanted to buy him a bracelet once. Why? Because I am a woman who likes men who wear rings and jewelry. Aren't all accessories bling? Although I am not big on the 'guido look' of New Jersey, you know, the slick hair and bling bling bling. Partly, it just doesn't do it for me. But fit intelligent  men who wear bracelets do. I also admire men who look distinguished in hats, vests, and even walking sticks. You know those little extra bling accessories.

Does wearing a certain style of accessories or bling say "I am confident" to you? I always thought so. My husband did give me a flat out "No" when I asked him about the bracelet purchase. I am going to blame the first boyfriend Leslie for this obsession. He wore one, he even gave it to me to wear in high school when we went steady. I miss that at times.

I gave up hope along the years of my man ever looking the way I had always imagined, or longed for. I just accept hubby likes to dress up when we step out. He is an engineer, crisp and clean cut for the office. Stay with me here, please. This feeling I have about how my man would look goes back even further than the first boy friend. Maybe to early childhood. When a nice looking or older gentleman sporting a nice hat over well groomed hair, an overcoat, maybe a smooth looking pair of shoes and briefcase walked by, my neck tends to bend in their direction. It was my earliest memory of my father (and a few other male role models in the family).

Yes, the father thing.

When I was as young, three or four, I have memories of my dad leaving for work. As I got older his uniform changed, but was always neatly ironed. Crisp and clean. We were told he had worked as a salesman, maybe even a door to door salesman, and it was their uniform during that era. No one today would be caught doing door to door sales, would they? Because it means you cannot get a higher paying job, maybe? Sales is not at the bottom of the totem pole, I guess, maybe it depends on what your selling.

I am a girl and my father was my hero, so it seems natural, according to Freud, I would steer in this direction as I matured. Nope, I just like nicely groomed men. Sure I like my man in a good tight pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but I remember sitting in Sunday church service and seeing a few men with gray dusted hair sporting Fedora like hats and wearing artistic like vests as they entered or left. It always catches my attention.

My ex, the father of my children who attended church with me just did not like them. His hair was too important to mess up. Nor did he like clothing or jewelry outside of the wedding band. He was one step from wearing a pocket protector like his own father. If that ever happened I might have denied knowing him. I would sigh and hold out hope he might change his mind as he aged.

Being pushy would have only alienated him from what was already a difficult relationship. Women if you find these words hitting a chord, have patience, or if your single hold out for what you want. My mom always said "You can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor man". In my case I was not looking for money the next time around, just common ground companionship, beliefs, goals and love; it just happened the next man I feel in love with had a higher paying profession.

After a two year friendship, I fell for an upscale dresser of my ex. He also liked food, wine, dancing, fishing, reading, conversation, God, and so many other things I had come to enjoy (like my writing). He just doesn't want to wear bling outside of his beautiful wedding band. We have been together sixteen years, and to my surprise in the most recent years, he came home with a fly fishing vest. Points! Hey its a vest right? But the hat he bought that day, well was kind of...big time dorky.

This will give a bit away about myself, but I am sort of old fashioned. I know so many relationships that are 'his is his, hers is hers' in these times, but many of them do not work out in the long run. Marriage cannot be about selfishness. Fifty/fifty folks! Let him pick out a few of his own purchases now and then because he works hard all week. He doesn't bug me about my personal shopping. I do enjoy wearing jewelry he has bought (surprised) me, which might not be what I would have bought. But he loves me and he has good taste.

So, when he emailed me this past weekend with this picture, well, I panicked. I was happy to throw out that dorky hat he wears everywhere to keep the sun out of his eyes, saving him from skin cancer, but I kind of wanted a particular hat. You know, the kind I see on professor types around the college town we live in, or on tourist men walking around the streets of Spain. Can't you imagine?

When he came off the train and climbed in the car Sunday night, I was smiling. The sexiest man had just reached over to kiss me hello. Woo Hoo! I loved the hat. He did ask me if I thought it made him look old. No, just mature, like I always wanted, and he did it all on his own.

Nawwwww, he just got lucky and probably had the salesgirl tell him what was fashionable for his age. Too bad they did not sell bracelets. She could have told him "Oh women love bling on their man, and it's the latest fashion." For her, the sales girl, is truly the life of danger when a clueless man walks in.

Okay, now I take back what I said about sales jobs, they are unsung heroes in my book.