I'll Keep Dreaming

Unless a miracle happens I am not having surgery. We just found out hubby's insurance opted out of offering obesity medical coverage, meaning any form of medical help. No dietician, no nutritionist, and no bariatric surgery coverage of any kind. Sucks right?

Sigh.

He can go to Human Resources and try to convince them it would help or the bills will mount up on my visits for asthma, High Blood pressure, and diabetes. But...there is always a but...he is not an aggressive person. He will not go and try to talk them into anything. So I will have to walk this path in my own way.

Those signs I have again creeping in. A few times when people mentioned certain irreversible facts about the surgery, the words would linger in my mind like a sign. Fear or a sign to turn and do it on my own.

Sigh.

Now to move on.

Sigh.


This morning I am listening to music and writing. I had a wonderful dream that sparked an idea for a new short story, By Candlelight. Old friends who reignite an old relationship.

Sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. - Adelle


I miss ToonGuy. Where oh where is my ToonGuy? We love and miss you Russ.

Let Me Interupt This Programming...

Some of you maybe tired of me moaning and groaning about life struggles lately, too bad. It's my life. My blog. Okay, I'm really being sarcastic. Like how I dressed up the front door? Made it myself! Not really, but I could have. Now for other updates.

I had my back doctor appointment last week. "Just a little arthritis in the lower back" he said, and I probably need to see a bariatric doctor, or my knees would go. Already taken care of. I got in a month and half early, which was a great thing for my body. Appointment taken care of yesterday.

What did they say? I am obviously a good candidate for any of the three surgeries. I chose gastric bypass. I know my cheating heart. I do well for six months and then go off the deep end on sweets the other six. I maintain my weight...back-up. I did when I was younger. I so sucked at it in my forties. I never completely ate right. I gave up things so the kids could. Working full-time, two businesses, two kids, a ridiculously busy house-hold and life kept the fat me at bay.

When Anelisa died my exercising and extra went...somewhere. It's floating around in outer space. Sorry, I will try and refrain from cliches. I had to admit this past few months I cannot do it on my own. I had a dietician, but she was not firm enough in having me send my eating journals. And she was around for the 'good' six months.

I eat crappy. There I said it. I can eat so healthy for a while, but then the bad carbs creep in by the pounds. My sister and I even half heartily laugh about it. She, as I have said before is worse than I am, but bad is bad. She doesn't eat green vegetables at all. Maybe a can of green beans now and then, but we know how healthy those are for high blood pressure. Our mom was obese and both parents ate horrible. Life training sucked. I'm not blaming them totally. At some point we have to be adult.

So now I have to set a timer, eat regular small meals, and eat a high protein diet. I can't lock carbs outside the front door like I have been. 'Healthy' carbs they call them. Ha! I have to redirect my whole thinking. But I know it's the only way out of this hell they call being FAT and unhealthy. How? With eating? No, with a coach. Yes, I now have a life and eating coach. I also admitted there was a need to go back to my councilor too, Bill. I know admitting support was needed would make me accountable was the right thing.

Donna, my coach... I like her, she is funny and took her time with me after the doctors appointment.

One of my good friends Randi had this surgery, and with the same doctor I chose. She has kept the weight off. It means I have another support. My sister is coming in March, whether she likes it or not we will be each others support, and she will stay with me for a few months. I told her, she is going to learn how to eat healthy with me. No choice, at least in my house.

I also have to attend a support group. Yep, I avoided those with Anelisa's illness. Sigh.I am sure I have not been easy to hang around or live with. With all the moody sadness and crap I let hang out.

My surgery? Late March. I am nervous and excited. It's only a jump start. But hey, I want to be able to hike through beautiful places without having to sit down every freakin few feet (my son and husband are nodding yes to this one!). Another thing I like about the coach...she had the surgery ten years ago and understands the fears and sadness I endure.

I wrote a few poem drafts in the doctors office. Funny thoughts I had on the company I have been keeping, food that is.

Peace to all of you out there. Mine has finally begun to expand in this place I dwell.

Now if I could just get a good support bra, I would be as perky as my wreath!

Happy Holiday Everyone!

Last year my Christmas was a warm holiday, because I was in Texas with my sister and my son's family. As well as in St. Louis with my son where it had not snowed yet.

The year before and before that we have had snow up here in the north east. No sign of it as of yet this year. It was cold on Saturday, dreary too, but yesterday it was gorgeous. Looks cold outside this morning, but who knows.

This photo is of hubby's youngest brothers back yard before you hit the beach. Nice huh. Yes, a beautiful view from the back window.

I am not ready for Christmas, are you? I have some internet shopping to do, but other than that we do not make a big deal, just a big meal with his big family. I am just not ready like every year for all the fuss period. This holiday has become so commercial, even more so than when I was young.

Technically it's a religious celebration. Something I cannot get into anymore. I am spiritual and have my own beliefs, but I miss my daughter too much. I have had the hardest time dealing with her lately. I have been busy with work, but lots of things on my mind.

Mainly because my son broke it off with his girlfriend in Korea, two weeks before Christmas while they are still over there. There is a lot going on and I realized this weekend I do not handle loss very well. Even simple loss as this. I grew to adore love his girlfriend and felt they were a good match for each other.

Maybe he is more of a mess than I ever realized. He will be returning in February and we will see what happens. No job or place to live now. They were going to live together and already had a house.

I am a planner and hate not knowing what is around the corner. It drives me batty when people take too long to make up their mind. Like the weather, not knowing what tomorrow brings doesn't make me feel so easy. I like to think I am flexible, because raising a daughter with an illness makes you flexible. But too many changes have taken place in my life the past eleven years and I am ready for a steady stream of knowing.

I like my martini's stirred, not shaken...

However! Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season...Peace to you all.

Here You Go!

I was in shock! Not in the picture, but when I found these photos on my cell.

Joyce, with me in the photo had found them and was scanning them. Back in the day, 1993 to be exact, she owned the camera. I was poor with two kids. What can I say!

This is a 'vain' attempt at reliving my past. Don't we all do it as we get older? Yeah keep telling yourself that!

It was pre-Ireland. We worked out at the gym at least four times or more a week. I know, I worked a full time job, took care of kids, one who was terminally ill. I needed that down time. My weight was under control, and I felt good. Joyce and I had so much fun together. I did with all my friends, but this was my favorite time in life.

Most people say they want to go back to their 20's, or even 18. Not me. Give me 30 something, but when I get to 39, send me right back to 31 again. A loop in the chain of life. Why hasn't someone else thought of it? Oh yeah, Logan's Run did. Read that book? Or seen the movie? An oldie but goodie.

I'm having a good time now. My body doesn't always want to keep up with the good times I am having, but it will in time. What do I miss most about those days? Dancing. You have heard that funny before. Below I am dancing the night away! It might be pre-Red Jacket. Meaning Joyce and I were about to go out and meet friends at the hottest club off Greenville Avenue. I loved both shirts I am wearing in the photos, so it makes sense I would have them on before a night out. I also loved Joyce's up-do back then! I began wearing the same poof on top before hubby and I got together, which is only a few years away! (before Snookie ever made it ghetto on the Jersey Shore)

Is there a lesson in this post?

Not sure, maybe. But it was fun seeing photos of myself away from the kids after all these years. Most of the pictures I own have a child in them. No make-up or hair fixed. The focus was usually on the kiddos back then. I do have one photo I am fond of with my make-up and hair done and with kids. But I gave it to my son. I was finding myself walking by it up the stairs and lingering too long on my fading looks and body.

So maybe the lesson is, or at least for me, is to remove those old photos and be happy with yourself as you get over the age of being accepted as 'young' in society. I am coming to grips with who I am now. I was a hot red head, and hubby says I still am.

Oh and I had forgotten my hair was curlier than it is now. Poofy!

The View Is So Delightful

When the weather outside is cold! Not frightful to me, I like it cool.

Not quite the lyrics of a Christmas song, but the view from Alexander Hall on the Princeton Campus is nice. A bit of color hanging on to the warm of the stone and sun.

The makings of a poem right? I will be spending free time this week writing some.

I went on an interview with a new Princeton family to be their personal chef and help manage things. Ahhh to have money for extravagant extras.

We finally went OUT to a movie after watching the Princeton Brass Band perform on Sunday. It was nice walking the streets and the campus around Princeton. Did a little shopping in the local wine store, and window shopping along Nassau Street. Lots of families strolling around, the kids in cute outfits, and looking at Christmas decorations. Almost seemed normal. Yep.

Oh what movie did I see? Breaking Dawn. Was more like breaking a yawn. What a slow movie and friends on facebook talked about how the acting from the two lead characters has gotten better. The same to me it seems. Someone said the next one would be better, Part 2. Really? Because they would have a better budget? Okayyyyy.

I also caught a fast forward version of Bag of Bones on DVR last night before bedtime. Yawn. It must be time to cover the television with a black shroud, because I am bored. The only entertaining thing to me these days is reading and writing. I just finished The Vampire Shrink. Was interestingly funny. Now I would like to see that as a movie, if they do not over dramatize it. Now I am boring myself. I have to start something due last week. Have a nice week everyone!

PS- I also have to come over and see what some of you are up too!

A Mask of Lies

I am upset. I cannot give the details but someone I know and love has not grown up the way I had thought. They have cheated. They are living a lie. Normally I can move on, but this is bugging me. I thought I had nipped this in the bud when I told them I wanted nothing to do with them calling me sharing their fantasies a while back.

How can we think we know someone but in actuality they are living a lie. Not the virtuous person we thought them to be? No integrity what so ever. Only a guilty conscious hiding behind a nice smile. And wanting to share their cloud like feelings with people knowing the other person involved will be let down so hard, hurting so deeply.

I am so disappointed. I'm crying for the other person in this situation. I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed or myself been hurt by cheating. Things are never good in the end.

My hope is that they realize what they are doing is wrong and make it right. Right? By telling the other person involved what they are truly feeling and end it before things get really messy. Messy? Yes, in the worst way.

I am about to un-friend this person for life over this.

A Whirlwind Blew In

Wow that was fast. What? Well I posted the other day about needing some submissions and editorial staffing for Z-composition and *BAM!!!* We got hits. Zombies arise! Well it's not totally a zombie world, there are other creatures roaming the earth.

I would now like to welcome Eileen, Elizabeth, Val, Athena, John, and a few silent Advisory Editors to the team! Whoo Hoo! Check them out: Z-Team. I had so many a few are in the wings for stints after some of these guys commitments are over. This will be a fun next six months as we progress.

Adobe Dreamweaver for Dummies is also in the mail. To my house. Why? Because the regular manual that comes with the program just doesn't make any sense to me. Learning by stumbling is how I have been rolling the past few years with my other sites, and some lessons from Brooke the designer. I took programing in college, but without the help of the girl and guy sitting next to me I would have failed. I barely got out with a 'C'. I need more skills to run my own designing projects. I will triumphantly succeed.

The website so far is a success. We have submissions and more time for more submission and will be live officially with 'Featured Works' February 1st. Dreamy steamy works of macabre love. That is the theme...Love. Well, I am waiting for the Z-Team to reply with ideas of exactness. Do you, the reader have any fun ideas for a quirky new literary site?

Z-composition Needs Brains!

Do you have too much time on your hands because the kids all have left for college or moved out (maybe one still lives in the basement)?

Did you just graduate with an MFA and would like to begin building up your resume by joining a great literary website?

Are your brains rotting away in that full-time job that has nothing to do with your passion?

Or has the flesh begun to peel from your bones because the zombie virus has already taken over and the only chance you have to redeem yourself is to do the writing you always claim you do?

Then what are you waiting for?

We are looking for humble people with little or more experience in editing who have a spare few hours every two months to work on our team. You will be required to read a variety of work (as follows), and help choose new works of poetry, prose, artwork, and photography for our website Z-composition.

We are also looking for poets, writers, artist and photographers to submit for our February editions of Z-composition Magazine.

What do you get?

Editors- we will throw you a bone with a bio and a link to your hottest blog and or published works. Otherwise you will share in the brains of unsuspecting poets, writers, and artists bi-montly as we progress in the fabulous world of literary genius...uh yeah right...

Poets, writers, and artist- you get to be the first in our ongoing magazine!

Does this frighten you?

You do not have to like the genre we will house on Z-composition, just know a good piece when you read it. Critiquing is not an easy job. You have to be objective, but yet honest(criticism should set out to “serve the work of art, not usurp its place"- Susan Sontag). Being down right mean is easy, and not what we are looking for.

Interested?

Contact us at editors@zombiepoetry.com or elizabeth@cookappeal.com

Submissions go to the website for submission details.

Sincerely,

Senior Zombie Brain

Who Say's That!

My husband grew up being the oldest of eight siblings, and this is his mom's grandchildren minus six others who were not able to attend the Thanksgiving celebration.

I have a brother. Actually, I grew up with six siblings: two brothers, one half, and four sisters, three half by my mom's first marriage. I don't see any of the older siblings. Two have passed away in the past year. I am the second to youngest of them all, and I all I have is my relationship with the youngest of us, my lil'sista. You all know her by now. Fun and exhausting, but I love her very much.

At some point, around 12 years old our family began to sever from emotional and alcohol problems on the adults part. I never understood how this could happen until my own siblings grew apart. I wish I knew my brother, the one just a year older than I. Wait I do know him. All too well in fact. He is a super duper Bible belt religious character. Right out of a movie. At times a little crazy. Hard core fire and brimstone damn right annoying crazy.

On many occasions he has sent letters and come into our homes telling us we are going to hell because we don't believe the way he does. How does he know this? Because Jesus came to him several times and told him his family had to be saved. People who believe in this manner really believe they have had this experience. And they have every right, but the problem is...they try and push it off on others in a very pushy way. Some believe it is a disease, related to narcissistic behavior. I was told my son's father was extremely narcissistic, his way or the highway, and he too was religious along with being abusive.

I am afraid he grew up in the same abuse and calamity as the rest of us siblings. But he is the only one that went the opposite direction of a life of crime as the first four. The last two, me and sister girl, well we have managed to strive for peace and stay out of legal trouble. We have figured out what makes us tick, the root of our difficulties so we can improve upon what we have. I believe in love unconditionally and helping each other out when we can.

My brother unfortunately has just chosen to remove himself from our lives and maybe it is for the better. I love him though. I wish he would figure out what he is doing alienates himself from others. I am sure there are plenty of people around him in the state of...okay I will not share that one, but you cannot tell me everyone loves him the way he is.

I am fully educated in why people like him cling to religion and God in this way. He is also self medicating himself from mental illness issues and what we went through. Why this post all of a sudden? Because I am friends with my nieces, his daughters on Facebook and the youngest just told me something very disturbing. She said her father, my brother told her she was spiritually dead to God because she is accident prone. She apparently tore a hole in one of her car tires and asked him for help.

Who says that to their child? First of all I know several people including myself who have torn or blew out a tire. I have done it twice, the first time was a faulty new tire and they replaced it. I am also accident prone at times. I call it clumsy. Does that make me spiritually dead? Not in the least. Some people can walk into a room and charm the pants off of everyone, have very successful lives (in worldly standards), and it's win win win all the way around. Some of us struggle all of our lives. Eventually I found peace in who I am.

My father told me that this brother was not his real son biologically. I believe my mom told him before she died. It did not bother me. I love him no matter. Our parents, like us make mistakes. We have to forgive them, as they do the best they can, like us. Apparently my brother has decided because of this lie he lived, it's him against the world. Transparently my father loved him like his own son, and married my mom in spite of things.

I have been able to open up to my nieces and enjoy their lives as wives and mothers this past year, when my brother kept them away from my parents and us all these years, because we were bad people in his mind. If there was any way to reach him so I can tell him how much I love him and our childhood was not a total waste, I would. But stop telling your daughter hurtful things.

Family. One of the hardest life lessons on earth.