Monday, September 13, 2010

Revision I

After thinking on it a few days, and some suggestions from Jessie Carty's poet suitor, I made a few changes. Hopefully not chopping off too much of this soon to be duet between me and Pasquale Varallo, whose wife died ten days before my daughter did. We discussed this one day at the beach. How we both felt the day watching September 11th take place. I will share his, which will be Twin II. in my book to be published soon- 365DaysXTen.

Twin I.

September 11th, 2001 I sat and watched
as one by one twin towers

were hit by planes
people jumping from windows

still numb from my own explosion
a world no longer spinning- I wanted to jump

Looking at the screen, staring, and thinking
how sad life had gotten; how a tiny heart

held me hostage for so long
the terror of not knowing- certainty unbound

Fourteen years earlier I sat in a similar chair
and watched a space shuttle blow up

holding my new baby- hoping their loved ones
would be okay as I celebrated new life

Love and pain can occupy the same time
space, but are never the same each time around


Jessie Carty said...

ok, i'm coming in on the 2nd version of the poem and it is pretty strong. I do wonder about having punctuation in some parts but not in other places and the last two lines almost don't seem needed because you already say that within the poem.

Using the different time periods with challenger, 9-11 etc is very effective though!

Chef E said...

Thanks Jessie, I will do some edits when I add it to my manuscript.