Chef E needs tooooooo...

...lose a few in the hat?


Yes, I really took a good look at some photos from my last visit with my step mom, and realized I have been living a big fat dream! Thinking that I could fool everyone with my good cooking, telling them I was a vampire and could not be seen in mirrors or a camera, so I always took the pictures...but I got caught! They took down the mirrors for me, but someone caught me on camera...

Now it is gym-a-roo time, no excuses, only a wonderful photo months from now of the 'after' and if I have the guts to share, the 'before'...

I really enjoyed eating the fruit for breakfast the past week, served up by our sweet Valerie...a sprinkle of powder sugar and her love!

PS The photo was doctored *snicker*

I am so witty...

...or at least I think I am...

Okay, I told a small white lie...I am blogging...just taking a moment to reflect on my witty sayings...here are a few to share with you...

1) I am ready to take on the Turkey and one of us is coming out stuffed

2) I like the ride of a splintery barrel and drinking its aging juice

3) hummmmmm so far I can only remember these two

Share some of yours with me...

Turkey Day Thoughts

Many times we gather around with family and each take a turn saying what they are thankful for...I made a list, but the holidays are hard for me since my daughters favorite part of the year started with Halloween and ended with New Years. She loved to draw pictures and place them all over the house; which drove her step-father crazy, since many times she started in July!

Be thankful for the ones you love...hold them close and tell them that you love them...even if you were not brought up affectionate...start today...with a gentle nudge, hug, or smother everyone with kisses (my favorite)...otherwise when they are gone...it's too late!

I always told my children how much they meant to me, and I still am Thankful for my health, my talents, my wonderful partner, and that I had Ane in my life...even if it was for a short time...I wish all of you a wonderful Turkey Day with lots of love!

...OMG, I was cooking today with Christmas blasting in the restaurant kitchen, and my staff was calling me loco...Felis Navi dad...I wanna wish you a...Okay, next month...

...and sometimes the arts suck!

Ok, so I left with my tail between my legs, and there will be no 'Thank You' to my loyal fans! The truth of it is I HATE CONTEST! You will hear me say this about cooking ones too! Tonight, unless you were part of the 'click' on the other side of the room, you had no chance in hell winning!

The two old bags that one were long time members. One is always being praised by the members, because she has a book out, and that she is their golden girl writer...the other, well I did admit she was amusing with her 'I love Country Music' piece, and had people in the audience singing 'Happy Trails', during parts of her reading...I did give her a 9, but I felt she should have won 1st Place, not second, and the third winner who got honorable mention...was an 19 year old who just decided to stand up and tell a story about sneaking out of the house and realized the girl he was with got him into trouble, forced him to drink too much, and then he vomited on his electrical outlet and electrocuted himself...awwwwwe...yes, I am upset. The audience voted, so there no judges, only a room full of people with voting cards and pencils and the winner is....the one with the most friends in the room! Ok, I bitched...now here are the pics and the piece I wrote...you have to imagine my Irish humor and stance while you read this!

My support group...Gen & Juice, D'Ang-ie, and DeJay...not sure if you can see the others...

Roy, and Tim are some of my Cultural Art Expression performers...and four bottles of wine, two or three six packs of beer...for the guys of course!

I should have not gone anyway, I felt like crap breathing the cold air, I had on layers of clothing, and fighting my sinus infection that might now be bronchitis...sorry Robbie came home from his trip and I do not even feel like sex...now you know how bad I feel, whaaaaaaaa, the steroid drugs are not helping me!!!...I just feel like I look fat!

In-Convenient Drama by E. Stelling

An eighteen year old student had just finished her third shift check list with a smile. She was standing behind the convenient store counter as she did each morning around four AM, with time to spare. The scene was set as if she was on display through the large freshly cleaned windows, but what mattered was, looking out into the quiet night of the surrounding neighborhood, she felt safe and content; until one October morning when a man creeping around from the back of the building would change everything.

In shock with a gun in her face she became motivated to do what ever the gunman asked. He moved her to the back room, tied and gagged her, and then pushed his victim into the dark bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Shock turned into adrenaline, she began to think. Turn around; flip on the light, she stared into the mirror, humor became her sanity. Wiggling out of the rope, pulling the tacky masking tape from her mouth, her store safety training kicked in.

Lock the door, turn out the light, and kept track of his movements with the door chimes. She waited while crouching down behind the toilet thinking thank goodness the bathroom was spotless and sanitary; who is going to believe this; he should listen to the annoying ding, ding, ding, night after night; boy will he be pissed off when he finds out this well trained shift manager never keeps more than twenty dollars in the drawer and the new vault only gives one plastic container filled with twenty dollars every seven minutes. He was about to steal high end items like cigarettes and sun glasses the night before the store orders were due in. Maybe, he would get back at her and steal her college books, helping her get out of finals that week.

Hearing a seventh door chime, he returned inside and was heading to the back room. Suddenly his hand on the knob, turning and shaking it anxiously, she did not make a noise; then just as quickly he decided to waste no more time and left the store.

Many years later, the girl, now a woman still thinks about that night and how it changed her. What if this happened to a teenager today when things exist like blackberries, Red Bull, and their complacent behavior?

Would I be jumping up and down quickly and excitedly while texting her friends instead of the cops? Tell him things like head to toe black were not his color, and he was going to have serious hat hair later. Make him try on all the cheap tourist crap he thought he could sell on the street. I know… microwave some of the stores unhealthy processed food, and while he ate he would become too bloated to run away when the cops show up. No, I will just text him to death!

I Support The Arts

I believe in supporting the arts trough going to museums, galleries, musicals, operas, acoustic open mic, and poetry readings...any kind of performance art rates pretty high on my list... amateur or professional is all good...but I also believe in helping my fellow amateur artists. My group here in Jersey, Cultural Art Expression has grown, and we host ages from 12 to 80 something performers each week, and I am proud to give my time to this and any other events that ask me to volunteer outside the kitchen.

TONIGHT, FRIDAY, November 21st, 7 PM: I wrote and am reading a 500 word piece at the Full Moon Cafe, Lambertville, NJ...there will be judges picking a 1st and 2nd place...I am nervous, because this is only the second time outside of high school that I have stood in front of a crowd and performed for recognition...I get so nervous, shaking in my whole body...but I am going to do it, because we have to pursue our dreams! -E

All stories must be true tonight...mine is...I was an innocent (debatable) eighteen year old working my way through college in Texas...when a lone gunman (no grassy knoll, and I never saw another one) came into my convenient store and changed my life...forever!

I went through countless interrogations by the police...because...I knew what kind of gun he had (forty five magnum) down at his side...and in my face...yes, my father was a hunter...and I loved to shot his guns into the banks of the river when we would go fishing...soon...afterward...nights became my day...I had to quit college...and go to...*gulp* *gulp*...beauty school to make my living, and be able to return to college one day (I did)... I still turned out alright (debatable).

Come on guys come support me if you live in the NJ or PA area, at least I am just a writer, I do not plan on becoming a comedian...although the though has occurred to me...the piece I am reading is a different version of this diddy! I will publish it on my 'Poetry' blog after tonight...it is a take on 'what if' I was a teenager today with all the gadgets they cannot live without!

Suck' ass Thursday

I hate it when Robbie goes out of town, and leaves me alone, and I sleep on the couch, because the damn bed is too big just for me...I woke up and my ears hurt from this stupid sinus infection. Yeah, this is a moaner blog today!!! I am going through f'ing menopause and my hormones are going f'ing crazy, I feel like crying right now, I am hot as hell, and my feet look like elephant feet. I really am not a depressed person, smiling and making jokes, just miss the old days when my two kids were running around the house, me the domestic goddess, running my two businesses, cooking for everyone, sex on the brain all the time ...the kids running around the house thing is what I really miss...if I could only get Robbie to give into my whims of having more kids, nah, I am a little sad, not crazy!

So maybe I will cook something, that will cheer me up!

PS- I have thought about what is would be like to have sex with another man, and had a darn good orgy dream last night. There is a guy who keeps hinting, actually I still feel pretty hot, cause there is a younger and older guy who has told me they would do me!!! Robbie knows about the guys, I found being honest is just the best thing, since once a guy came after me and the girl he was dating was one of my good friends...that was some f'ed up shit, and I never want that to happen again. I am honest and up front with those kind of men and I do not flirt, I tell them straight up that I am in love like there is no tomorrow and the sex is damn good, so I do not need their mess. Just a little harmless fantasy! Robbie is going to get it good this weekend!!! Come home baby....(Hey, I just cheered myself right up...perky now)

Now that was TMI for sure!

Blonde Joke

I am bad at telling jokes because if I think one is worthy of retelling I start laughing way before I get to the punch line...but...my son around the age of thirteen started going on the internet and telling me every silly joke he could find, like blonde jokes, I pre-appologize to anyone that resembles this remark!

Finally I had enough, and told him that when he was seasoned in making up his own jokes then he could keep following me around telling these bad jokes...he said "Mom, you cannot tell a joke for the life of ya"...that got me...as a mom I cannot let my son think I am lame, I already suck at sports! So...I made up my own joke and it is the only one I even remember...here goes...

An elevator opens up in hell and a couple get off and they were dressed in beach clothing with hats, glasses, and sun block...they noticed it was freezing, and proceeded to tell the receptionist that they wanted to know why it was so cold...

The receptionist told them to sit down and wait their turn to speak to the 'Person'
in charge...so they sat down grumbling...

The elevator opened up in a little while and two guys got off wearing speedo's (serves 'em right huh) with only flip flops and the hair on their chest to keep them warm...the also complained to the receptionist that it was freezing and wasn't this suppose to be Hell, Hot, Fire, Brimstone, and all that other stuff you hear about...

Once again the receptionist told them to sit down and wait their turn...they could take it up with the 'Person' in charge...

They sat down and began to grumble with the other people waiting in the lobby...

The elevator once again opened up and off stepped these three beautiful blonde women wearing parkas, gloves, fuzzy cute snow boots, dressed to the tee, and all giggly and happy...

The first couple stood up and demanded to know why they were dressed appropriately when everyone else was freezing their arse's off!

The girl in the middle stepped forward and said "Well, he he...we were told it was really cool down here, so we came to check it out"



My son to this day thinks this joke and his mother are cool!

Can you handle MY truth? TMI Content

This content could contain information that you might not want to know about me...it is a free country...so do not go any further!!!


Why do we hide behind a mask of what we really think; which can be totally different than what we feel. These things are what made us who we are today...

Fear is the reason, because we cannot handle what someone might think of us.

Well my sister says what the hell she wants, and it never stops her, but she doesn't have many friends either...she talks mostly about bodily functions that I really do not care to hear about, because...I am usually eating or cooking and they just don't go together, and I am too nice to tell her to shut the F'up; unless you are chopping with the big ole' chef knife and it looks like SNL's version of Julia Child spurting all over the place; then tell someone, so you can get stitches!

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

TOO MANY IF'S

I decided I needed a blog where I can say what the hell I wanted, and it did not involve my day job, writing, poetry, food and wine, or any kind of creative performance...Somewhere I can write things you might know about me otherwise...and remember do not feel sorry for me, because I am a freak and love life like no others!

PRIVACY NOTICE: If you read this and tell others then you will end up in one of my recipes, but if you feel that you can share...go right ahead, I am a good listener!

1) I was robbed at gun point while I worked at a convenient store in college; your never the same after that.

2) My father was an alcoholic, and my mom was mentally ill...I raised myself!

3A) I thought I was ugly growing up, and look back at pictures and realized I was cute...had a guy from high school tell me a few years back he thought I was sexy.

3B) This reminds me of my first kiss from my brothers friend, and it was gross!

4) I did not like music of my era, because I was forced to listen to country and western music on my parents radio (issues), and my dad's old records like organ music; I like it now, but if I listen it is because I turn it on!

5) I found my dad's Playboy magazines and wished I would grow up with gorgeous boobs like they had (wishes do come true)

6) I have kissed girls and thought I might be gay until I realized I like d*%#, cannot live with out it no matter how pretty some chick is!

7) My favorite color is red-orange, and earthy tones...green and purple only count if it is food, and it has to be eaten not worn(oh, I said I would not go there)

8) I can sing, but I am tone deaf (damn, there I go again)

9) Most girls have one boob bigger than the other, mine is the ______ one?

10) I only have one living child, and he is a shit sometimes, but he is just like me


11) I love sweets, but I am a picky sweet eater, so do not offer me nilla wafers with out something to dip them in, like nutella

12) I miss Anelisa, my daughter who died, so bad my heart hurts like a motherf*%#@^!

13) I did not go to my mom's funeral, I wanted to remember her the way she was when I was very little, before she got sick

14A) My dad told me that he was proud of me a week before he died

14B) I read every word of every blog I look at...its called caring!

15) My first crush on men were... Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman and Robert Redford

16A) I have met a lot of celebrities in my business, but this one said he would call me...can you imagine he has not called me yet?


16B) I was not a band groupie until I heard U2 and joined their fan club, it got me in the 2nd row of the POP Tour

16C) I inhaled and I never spit

16D) I think in a former life I drank scotch/whiskey, smoked cigars, and ran a brothel, but my name wasn't Kitty

17) I did an Irishman and a Scotsman while traveling through Ireland many years ago, and when you see me smiling I might be thinking about the either (so! I was a good Irish Catholic for too many years, and married; while other people were doing it!)

18) My favorite flower is the Origami Dahlia, and I like the orange ones

19) Life can really be f'ing ugly sometimes, but we are what make it beautiful!

20) I never lied to my son or his step dad...they know all of this already, and they still think I am wonderful :)