I'll Keep Dreaming

Unless a miracle happens I am not having surgery. We just found out hubby's insurance opted out of offering obesity medical coverage, meaning any form of medical help. No dietician, no nutritionist, and no bariatric surgery coverage of any kind. Sucks right?

Sigh.

He can go to Human Resources and try to convince them it would help or the bills will mount up on my visits for asthma, High Blood pressure, and diabetes. But...there is always a but...he is not an aggressive person. He will not go and try to talk them into anything. So I will have to walk this path in my own way.

Those signs I have again creeping in. A few times when people mentioned certain irreversible facts about the surgery, the words would linger in my mind like a sign. Fear or a sign to turn and do it on my own.

Sigh.

Now to move on.

Sigh.


This morning I am listening to music and writing. I had a wonderful dream that sparked an idea for a new short story, By Candlelight. Old friends who reignite an old relationship.

Sometimes it last in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. - Adelle


I miss ToonGuy. Where oh where is my ToonGuy? We love and miss you Russ.

Let Me Interupt This Programming...

Some of you maybe tired of me moaning and groaning about life struggles lately, too bad. It's my life. My blog. Okay, I'm really being sarcastic. Like how I dressed up the front door? Made it myself! Not really, but I could have. Now for other updates.

I had my back doctor appointment last week. "Just a little arthritis in the lower back" he said, and I probably need to see a bariatric doctor, or my knees would go. Already taken care of. I got in a month and half early, which was a great thing for my body. Appointment taken care of yesterday.

What did they say? I am obviously a good candidate for any of the three surgeries. I chose gastric bypass. I know my cheating heart. I do well for six months and then go off the deep end on sweets the other six. I maintain my weight...back-up. I did when I was younger. I so sucked at it in my forties. I never completely ate right. I gave up things so the kids could. Working full-time, two businesses, two kids, a ridiculously busy house-hold and life kept the fat me at bay.

When Anelisa died my exercising and extra went...somewhere. It's floating around in outer space. Sorry, I will try and refrain from cliches. I had to admit this past few months I cannot do it on my own. I had a dietician, but she was not firm enough in having me send my eating journals. And she was around for the 'good' six months.

I eat crappy. There I said it. I can eat so healthy for a while, but then the bad carbs creep in by the pounds. My sister and I even half heartily laugh about it. She, as I have said before is worse than I am, but bad is bad. She doesn't eat green vegetables at all. Maybe a can of green beans now and then, but we know how healthy those are for high blood pressure. Our mom was obese and both parents ate horrible. Life training sucked. I'm not blaming them totally. At some point we have to be adult.

So now I have to set a timer, eat regular small meals, and eat a high protein diet. I can't lock carbs outside the front door like I have been. 'Healthy' carbs they call them. Ha! I have to redirect my whole thinking. But I know it's the only way out of this hell they call being FAT and unhealthy. How? With eating? No, with a coach. Yes, I now have a life and eating coach. I also admitted there was a need to go back to my councilor too, Bill. I know admitting support was needed would make me accountable was the right thing.

Donna, my coach... I like her, she is funny and took her time with me after the doctors appointment.

One of my good friends Randi had this surgery, and with the same doctor I chose. She has kept the weight off. It means I have another support. My sister is coming in March, whether she likes it or not we will be each others support, and she will stay with me for a few months. I told her, she is going to learn how to eat healthy with me. No choice, at least in my house.

I also have to attend a support group. Yep, I avoided those with Anelisa's illness. Sigh.I am sure I have not been easy to hang around or live with. With all the moody sadness and crap I let hang out.

My surgery? Late March. I am nervous and excited. It's only a jump start. But hey, I want to be able to hike through beautiful places without having to sit down every freakin few feet (my son and husband are nodding yes to this one!). Another thing I like about the coach...she had the surgery ten years ago and understands the fears and sadness I endure.

I wrote a few poem drafts in the doctors office. Funny thoughts I had on the company I have been keeping, food that is.

Peace to all of you out there. Mine has finally begun to expand in this place I dwell.

Now if I could just get a good support bra, I would be as perky as my wreath!

Happy Holiday Everyone!

Last year my Christmas was a warm holiday, because I was in Texas with my sister and my son's family. As well as in St. Louis with my son where it had not snowed yet.

The year before and before that we have had snow up here in the north east. No sign of it as of yet this year. It was cold on Saturday, dreary too, but yesterday it was gorgeous. Looks cold outside this morning, but who knows.

This photo is of hubby's youngest brothers back yard before you hit the beach. Nice huh. Yes, a beautiful view from the back window.

I am not ready for Christmas, are you? I have some internet shopping to do, but other than that we do not make a big deal, just a big meal with his big family. I am just not ready like every year for all the fuss period. This holiday has become so commercial, even more so than when I was young.

Technically it's a religious celebration. Something I cannot get into anymore. I am spiritual and have my own beliefs, but I miss my daughter too much. I have had the hardest time dealing with her lately. I have been busy with work, but lots of things on my mind.

Mainly because my son broke it off with his girlfriend in Korea, two weeks before Christmas while they are still over there. There is a lot going on and I realized this weekend I do not handle loss very well. Even simple loss as this. I grew to adore love his girlfriend and felt they were a good match for each other.

Maybe he is more of a mess than I ever realized. He will be returning in February and we will see what happens. No job or place to live now. They were going to live together and already had a house.

I am a planner and hate not knowing what is around the corner. It drives me batty when people take too long to make up their mind. Like the weather, not knowing what tomorrow brings doesn't make me feel so easy. I like to think I am flexible, because raising a daughter with an illness makes you flexible. But too many changes have taken place in my life the past eleven years and I am ready for a steady stream of knowing.

I like my martini's stirred, not shaken...

However! Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season...Peace to you all.

Here You Go!

I was in shock! Not in the picture, but when I found these photos on my cell.

Joyce, with me in the photo had found them and was scanning them. Back in the day, 1993 to be exact, she owned the camera. I was poor with two kids. What can I say!

This is a 'vain' attempt at reliving my past. Don't we all do it as we get older? Yeah keep telling yourself that!

It was pre-Ireland. We worked out at the gym at least four times or more a week. I know, I worked a full time job, took care of kids, one who was terminally ill. I needed that down time. My weight was under control, and I felt good. Joyce and I had so much fun together. I did with all my friends, but this was my favorite time in life.

Most people say they want to go back to their 20's, or even 18. Not me. Give me 30 something, but when I get to 39, send me right back to 31 again. A loop in the chain of life. Why hasn't someone else thought of it? Oh yeah, Logan's Run did. Read that book? Or seen the movie? An oldie but goodie.

I'm having a good time now. My body doesn't always want to keep up with the good times I am having, but it will in time. What do I miss most about those days? Dancing. You have heard that funny before. Below I am dancing the night away! It might be pre-Red Jacket. Meaning Joyce and I were about to go out and meet friends at the hottest club off Greenville Avenue. I loved both shirts I am wearing in the photos, so it makes sense I would have them on before a night out. I also loved Joyce's up-do back then! I began wearing the same poof on top before hubby and I got together, which is only a few years away! (before Snookie ever made it ghetto on the Jersey Shore)

Is there a lesson in this post?

Not sure, maybe. But it was fun seeing photos of myself away from the kids after all these years. Most of the pictures I own have a child in them. No make-up or hair fixed. The focus was usually on the kiddos back then. I do have one photo I am fond of with my make-up and hair done and with kids. But I gave it to my son. I was finding myself walking by it up the stairs and lingering too long on my fading looks and body.

So maybe the lesson is, or at least for me, is to remove those old photos and be happy with yourself as you get over the age of being accepted as 'young' in society. I am coming to grips with who I am now. I was a hot red head, and hubby says I still am.

Oh and I had forgotten my hair was curlier than it is now. Poofy!